Just venting...

Here's to the times where life was only based on how many memories you make in a day. Here's to the times when the one thing you could do to make everything better was to smile. I get less sleep nowadays than the average teenager. I go through things then most of them won't. Correct me if I'm wrong but the only thing I want right now is for everybody to be going the right direction.
I'm known as the 'momma' among my group of friends only because I look out for them every step of the way. I don't think you understand that I will get stressed about everything and that doesn't mean you can step in and try to make things better. I don't like showing people I'm weak. Yes, I said I don't showing people I'm weak. I didn't say I don't like confessing before our Almighty crying out to him that we are
'stupid' for thinking the things we do.
You might ask why I'm writing this, well...
since a few of the most important people in my life are the only ones who read this, it's just alternate way of getting everything out.
Just to let you know, tonight me and my parents had this huge fight. My dad probably said some things that he didn't but its the fact that he was thinking the things he said. I had my feelings hurt because the only thing that stuck with me through all the yelling and screaming was the fact that he said 'you're not trying hard enough'.
At first I was mad, no I was furious the fact that he said. I was thinking to myself, "he doesn't even understand what I'm going through:
the fact that the people I walk past everyday, the people I call some of my bestfriends...I don't even know if they're telling truth,
the fact that I have tentions every day to just cuss for the heck of it, or just to give up on this stupid homework because I've had many older people tell me that none of the stuff I do in highschool worth it.
the fact that I'm not some of those girls who go out and party, have a new boyfriend every other weekend, or even have a bad reputation.
I sat there and every single thought that came to mind was just something that i do,
not something that i NEED to do.
I realize now that I was just thinking myself, which I really don't get because at school and everywhere else (except at homelife) I think of other people, I think of what I could do to help someone's day become better.
See...there I go again, I say I too much. Right now I am at least.
Someone who doesn't know me at all, reading this, probably thinks I'm insane or I'm just very complex and complicated.





Now that I'm in my second year of highschool, I need arms to cry in,
I can't go to my parents, now, because I know that if I even start to vent they immediately think that I'm getting stressed out or having an attitude.
I could go to friends but by the time I get to them everything that happened is somewhere else.
Sometimes I wish for one second I could have everything I wanted:
the guy I've crushing since my freshman year, the courage I need to just go up to her and tell her how it is, the dignity to stand up for myself, or the ability to stop worrying about things.
It won't come, I know it won't. But I still have faith in getting all of that.
I pray everyday for each one of those things and I haven't gotten one of them yet,
I'm still gonna wait though,
and I'll make sure to announce when I get one of those things I want.
Okay Okay, I know maybe its just a mood I'm in, but at least I feel alot better than sitting here on my bed crying myself to sleep.
Or maybe it's just one of those times I have to tell myself that the things I want aren't always the things I need.
For whoever is reading this...No I'm not stressed out, I just have to get things off my chest every now and then. To end on an happy note, I guess, my first six weeks of my sophmore year of highschool will consist of the following grades on my report card: 91, 91, 92, 97, 81, 99, and 100.